I’ve been looking after a new PA who joined the company today. She replaces an utter fucktool so I was slightly trepidatious about her arrival but I showed her round earlier and she didn’t mistake a fire extinguisher for the Finance Director or physically assault anyone so my fears have been slightly allayed.

However, her arrival got me thinking about The Dumbest Thing Ever Said To Me. Yes, I’ve capitalised it, let’s move on.

Her predecessor-but-one (not the last fucktool, the fucktool before that – the Original Fucktool) was already here when I joined the company, terrorising the fifth floor and generally behaving as though she had a railway spike rammed through the parts of her brain that control NICENESS and NORMALITY.

I work for an international company (get me) and something all the PAs here have to do is organise international meetings. It means we have to be aware of time zones, starting with the fact that they exist and ending with not forgetting about them when inviting seventeen countries to a conference call about branding or budgets or buggery (not buggery). Now, Original Fucktool (OF) had a real problem with time zones. She just couldn’t seem to grasp that if it’s lunchtime in London, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s lunchtime in New York. I frequently had to stop what I was doing and check a meeting invitation before she sent it, or sit and stare reassuringly at her, nodding like an encouraging parent as she used her fingers to count how many hours ahead Singapore is.

I thought this was bad enough but her stupidity was about to show itself in all its ghastly glory.

One of her bosses was flying off to America for a week. The flight was due to leave London at 11.30am and would land in the US at 6pm local time which is midnight in the UK. At midday, I happened to be going out for lunch at the same time as OF and as we walked across the square, she said this:

“Isn’t it incredible to think that even though her plane only took off half an hour ago our time, she’s already landed in America?”

She carried on walking while I was rendered immobile as the sheer force of her idiocy hit me in the face like a ton of STUPID.

“What?” I said, spitting out bits of stupid.

“Well, the flight lands at 12 and it’s 12 now. It’s amazing isn’t it? I’ll never fully understand time zones.”

Not only had she confused US time with UK time, she’d confused 12am with 12pm and most importantly, she thought her boss could TRAVEL THROUGH TIME.

Even as I type this, I’m astounded at how her brain managed to crumple up reality like that, chew it up and spit it at the wall of logic in a mangled, wet clump. Even after I’d taken her through the concept of time zones yet again, she didn’t seem to grasp it. She was fired shortly after that (this is true).